Just One Happy Memory
by ambudaff
Summary: To conjure Patronus, you have to memorize a happy memory. How if you can not? AU for some reason


**JUST ONE HAPPY MEMORY**

He froze.

He felt cold.

It was dark.

It was getting darker and darker everywhere.

It seemed that fog, a thick white one, was covering all surface.

Not only on the surface, he felt it deep inside him too.

He felt cold inside.

He felt dark inside, darker than he ever felt before.

The Dark Lord had found out who he really was. The Dark Lord knew. He knew to whom Severus's loyalty really belonged to. And the Dark Lord knew far too many ways to punish his unfaithful servant. Severus was cruciated first, then he was left with a crowd of dementors.

Now those creatures were surrounding him. Preparing to suck every happy memory from him --if he ever had any.

_"Hold on, Severus. Be strong. You can do it."_

He tried to. He must. But the cold feeling went deeper than his skin. It was inside his chest, it was in his very heart. If he ever had any heart.

The cloaked figures were getting nearer and nearer, Their faces were hidden beneath their hoods. And they drew a long, slow, rattling breath as tough they were trying to suck more than air from thair surroundings.

And he started to hear a voice. Screaming, asking for help. Miserable voices. And all of sudden he heard voices that he knew. People desperately begging him not to killed them. Those people ... His victims, when he was ... no! He did not want to recall those memories.

But he could not stop it. He was as helpless as his victims had been, he bitterly thought, and no one would even bother to help him.

And the voices were getting louder and louder. Not only those of his victims, but also voices he was too familiar with.

_A male voice shouted over a cowering woman, a boy cried._

No.

He did not want to recall those memories. They had wounded his heart too deeply, it was impossible to heal. If he ever had any heart.

"_Don't let them rule over you, Severus. Fight. Don't let the dementors drain you. Fight, Severus. Fight. Come on, you know you can_."

Thet encouraging voice, Severus realized, did not come out of his mind at all.

It came from outside.

Someone was trying to help him. But .. who one earth could resist the effect of dementors? And most importantly, who one earth was willing to help him?

Dementors infest in the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, thay drain peace, hope and happiness out of the air around them ... Get too near a dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself ... soul-less and evil. You'll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life ..

But he did not have enough happy memories to be sucked off. Still those creatures brought him pain. Not physical pain, but much deeper than that.

"_Come on, Severus. Fight. Get up_."

He could not do that. The pain, the darkness, the torture of those horrible voices were getting more and more excruciating.

"_Severus, what's the matter? Get up. Conjure your patronus, get rid of them!_"

Patronus?

Positive force. Projection of the very things that the dementors were feed upon --hope, happines, the desire to survive-- but it can't feel despairs as real human can, so the dementors can't hurt it

But you have to concentrate on a very happy memory.

The kind of memory he did not possess.

"_Severus? Your patronus?_"

"I can't .."

"_That's not acceptable. With your wizarding level .. I believe only Dumbledore can beat you at magic _.."

"No .. I just can't do it .."

The cold feeling, the darkness, drowned him even deeper.

"_Severus, you can. They're getting nearer. You're not giving up, do you_?"

"Perhaps .."

"_I don't believe it. With your skill_ .."

"This is nothing to do with my skill," he began to sound desperate, "I just .. can't .."

"_Severus_?"

"I just can't concentrate. I .. don't have any happy memory to concentrate on,"

"_Severus, you must try. I couldn't help you if you wouldn't help yourself. Try to remember_ .."

"_C'mon Severus .. I believe you can_ .."

Closing his eyes, feeling the pain that went deeper and deeper, he tried his best to sort out his memory ..

"Expecto Patronum!"

A silvery snake hissed, slithering through the cloaked figures, chasing them until they all dissapeared in the dark.

And the air felt warm again.

But he could not feel it. All dark. And quiet.

"How is he?"

"Getting better. He could awake anytime."

Indistinctly he heard woman's voice, a familiar one. Of course. It was Madam Pomfrey. And there he was, at the Hospital Wing.

He tried to open his eyes. Everything seemed to have returned to normal. No cold air, no darkness, no terrible voices ..

"Ah. He's come around, Remus,"

Severus heards steps approaching. And a voice.

"Will he be all right?"

"Yes, Remus, he'll be. You may sit with him mow. I'll go tell the Headmaster that he's already conscious."

"You do that, Poppy."

That voice.

The one he heard when he was facing the dementor. The one that supported him.

Severus opened his eyes even wider.

Remus Lupin.

"Welcome back, Severus."

Severus tried to answer, but nothing came out his mouth. Lupin gave him a glass of water, which he received gratefully.

"It was you, then," it was all he could say.

"Yes, it was me," replied Lupin.

"How come .."

"The dementors didn't affect me," Lupin finished his question, "You know that dementors don't affect animals. And last night .."

"Last night was full moon," Severus realized, "but how did you speak to me while you were .. in that condition?"

"I didn't speak. You read my mind"

It was silent for a moment.

"When you said .. that you can concentrate .."

Severus took a deep breath.

"Sorry about the question. You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"Nevermind. As I said, I couldn't find .. any happy memory to concentrate on. To conjure the patronus."

"But you managed to conjured a great one."

"Yes. Finally."

Lupin nodded his head. His eyes were still questioning, but he did not say anything.

However, Snape went on.

"It was a long time ago. When I .. came to Dumbledore. I handed over my wand, and confessed to what I'd done. I thought he would break my wand in two and call the Ministry."

"But he didn't do that."

"Yes."

"You mean .. that was the memory that conjured your patronus?"

He did not answer.

"But Severus, it was .. eighteen years ago .. maybe nineteen? You're telling me that you've never felt happy for eighteen --nineteen years?"

Still he did not answer. His eyes stared at the ceiling, trying no to look at Lupin.

Lupin did not say anything more. Tapping Severus's shoulder, he walked to the window and opened it.

The sun was shining so brightly out there. The light warmed his heart. If he ever had a heart.

He has.

**FIN**

_A/N: I take the definitions of dementors and patronus directly from the book (HPPoA) I tried to describe them with my own words but failed :(_


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